Thursday, September 19, 2013

Letting Go

It's been about six weeks since we had to return Ian and Ada to their parents. I have to say that I am feeling better. People continue to check in on us and everyone says the same thing - that they have been thinking about us and praying for us, but don't want to bring up what happened. We thank you for that. We are really trying to move forward. That doesn't mean I still don't hold back tears when I see a double stroller or anything else that might set me off, but it is getting easier.

We had a good relationship with Ian and Ada's mom and she invited us to be a part of their lives. After that terrible day in court and handing them over, we felt like we wanted to continue to have a relationship. We were not ready to let go of the babies, but as days and weeks passed, it became increasing difficult for me. For our open adoption, we set-up a private Facebook page so that their birth family and friends could see pictures of the twins regularly. But now the tables were turned and instead of us posting new pictures of the babies, she was. We were just bystanders looking in -- always an "aunt", never a mom*. I would see how much the babies changed each day, how she was turning into their mom, and how they were now called by their middle names, the names she chose. Our time with them was fading away. It was too much for me to bear. I couldn't sleep at night; I couldn't move on. Marlon and I both knew what we needed to do - let go.

I wrote an email telling her goodbye. I could not call her, I would not have been able to get it out. A letter allowed us to say the things we needed to say. Maybe I am wuss, but these past few weeks have been painful enough. We didn't hear back. I hope she understands. We packed up the rest of the little things that we kept from our time with the babies and sealed the box. We left the private Facebook page and unfriended her. That was that. I felt like I could breathe again. That chapter is over and now we can start another. I have slept every night since. I know it was the right thing for us to do.

Ian and Ada will always hold a special place in our hearts. They needed us to be their parents for the first two months of their lives. I hope I do see them again one day, maybe all grown up in the grocery store. Even if I don't, I know that they are loved and will be okay. I know that we are loved as well and you should know that we are going to be okay.

*Don't get me wrong, I do love being an aunt and I think I am really good at it. I have a sweet little nephew and a niece on the way. I also have three incredible godkids. I love them all to pieces, but I do want to be a mom one day. It's just truth. xo

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