Monday, September 9, 2013

Birth Fathers

So, we've had one failed match and one failed adoption, both because of the birth fathers. Hmmm, I am sensing a trend. Maybe the same care and concern shown to birth mothers hasn't really been applied to birth fathers, but I am thinking maybe adoption professionals should start considering both birth parents equally from the start. Don't get me started talking about the Baby Veronica case.  I feel for both sides, but most of all I feel for little Veronica. We never met Ian and Ada's father until after they were born. We only had the information given to us about him to go on when deciding if this was a good match for us. In the beginning, we did not believe this adoption was what they call an "at risk" placement. I have played what went wrong in my mind a million times. Why were we so naive? The bottom line is that their father did not want his children placed for adoption and he stopped it. Everything else is irrelevant.

This post is all my opinion and I am sure you'll correct me if you feel I am wrong.  Also, I am only referring to birth fathers who did not commit a crime that resulted in pregnancy.  

I feel like more birth fathers are stepping up. In general, men are now taking a more active role in parenting. Sure there are some birth fathers that couldn't give a rats ass, but I bet I could find plenty that do. Our agency says birth fathers wanting to parent are rare, but we have had it happen TWICE. It seems to me that in the past the birth mothers pretty much held all the cards and the birth fathers were either left in the dark or steamrolled into signing surrender papers. That doesn't work anymore. Birth fathers know their rights and don't necessarily want to be forced into placing their child for adoption because that's what the birth mother wants.

Birth fathers experience loss too, but I don't think it is recognized in the same way. If the adoption agency offers counseling, are the fathers given the same attention as the mothers? In my opinion, the answer is no. I know some guys are probably not as eager or receptive to the counseling offered, perhaps it's time for an update to adoption procedures. Where are the male social workers? Maybe another man might be able to relate to what the birth father is going through and the birth father might feel more comfortable talking to a guy. The face of adoption is changing rapidly and maybe the old way of doing things don't quite work anymore. The approach needs to balanced and both birth parents should feel it is an equal decision. OK, I am stepping down from the pulpit.

Lessons that I learned are: if the birth father isn't on board, then we are not on board. If he doesn't sign a surrender, tread cautiously. If the birth father has an attorney, walk away. It's hard to separate your emotional connection to the child from what realistically is going to happen. We weren't able to do it but in the long run it's going to hurt either way. You should know what your state laws are for birth fathers, but that doesn't necessarily mean a judge is going to follow those laws. If the birth father is interested in parenting, there is a good chance he will be allowed to do so. It's important that time is spent in the beginning with the birth father to really gauge how he is feeling instead of trying to just get him to sign. No more at risk placements for us. If you are the expectant father, we want to talk to you, get to know you, find out what you want. Our relationship should be the same as the birth (expectant) mother.

It has never been our intention to take someone's child, no adoptive parent wants that. We want to have a family and we want both birth parents to be secure in their decision to place a child with us for adoption. All that matters is what is best for the child. I think that is pretty straight forward.


9 comments:

  1. I love this post! You are so correct on everything you said. Our son't birth mother swore she had no idea who the birth father was. So rights for unknown birth father was terminated. About 6 months later she gave us a name of who it was. I had so many mixed emotions over it. In fact 13 months later I still think about him. I never contacted him because I honestly don't know if he is the birth father. I will say our agency questioned her again and again about it so things were done the correct way but she chose to lie about it.
    Good for you for saying this and standing by it.
    http://hesourheartshesourhero.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks Melinda. I know this can be a sometimes heated topic. I just feel like if things are handled different there would not be as many failed adoptions. Our agency said it was rare, all the educational meeting discounted BF to some extent. From other forums that I had read, it's not that uncommon for a father to step forward. I just want people to be aware of the risks. We were in too deep to see writing on the wall.

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  2. This is such a difficult issue. There are lots of situations where the expectant mother is truly abandoned by the baby's father or she might honestly not know for sure. Those times it may be truly impossible to get consent. How does an agency or a lawyer determine if she is telling the truth or just avoiding a difficult (potentially explosive) conversation with the father? I don't know....

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    1. It is a difficult issue and I am really working out my own feelings about our failed attempts to adopt. I agree not all situations are one size fits all and there is not only one solution. I feel like if there is a father, he should be included. I think the agency, counselor or attorney should make every attempt to get the real truth by talking to both parents directly, not necessarily together. A difficult and explosive conversation are two different things and should be handled in the best interest of the parties. Adoptive parents need to understand their risk. If he is not around and you are proceeding with father unknown or without a surrender signature, be cautious. I am not saying don't do it, but really think about it what you are risking emotionally and financially. It could all work out or it couldn't. In our case it didn't work out. TWICE.

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  3. In DS's adoption, the birth father chose not to be involved. We (the birthmother, us, and the attorney) gave him the option, and he refused.

    In DD's adoption, her birthmother said her birthfather was unknown. That wasn't so much true. I wrote about it on our blog, http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/cassies-birthfather/

    I don't know if you read the blog Statistically Impossible, but it is pretty much the only birthfather blog. I recommend it.

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    1. Thanks for the recommendations. I will check out both.

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  4. I read your heartbreaking post about the failed adoption, and I am so sorry for what you went through. I agree that many agencies gloss over the bio dad, which is wrong and can lead to so much heartache. But in the Baby Veronica case, the bio father did sign TPR, and then changed his mind, using ICWA in order to undo that TPR.

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    1. Thank you. I don't think the baby Veronica case is as cut and dry as that or it would not have wound up in the Supreme Court. Just as our case wasn't as simplified as I described. My point being is that adoption isn't as easy as we were lead to believe. Adoptive parents need to understand that risk is involved especially if one parent is not available or doesn't sign. I do think change needs to occur within the adoption system.

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  5. Good post. "Fatherhood requires love, not dna."

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