Birth Fathers

So, we've had one failed match and one failed adoption, both because of the birth fathers. Hmmm, I am sensing a trend. Maybe the same care and concern shown to birth mothers hasn't really been applied to birth fathers, but I am thinking maybe adoption professionals should start considering both birth parents equally from the start. Don't get me started talking about the Baby Veronica case.  I feel for both sides, but most of all I feel for little Veronica. We never met Ian and Ada's father until after they were born. We only had the information given to us about him to go on when deciding if this was a good match for us. In the beginning, we did not believe this adoption was what they call an "at risk" placement. I have played what went wrong in my mind a million times. Why were we so naive? The bottom line is that their father did not want his children placed for adoption and he stopped it. Everything else is irrelevant.

This post is all my opinion and I am sure you'll correct me if you feel I am wrong.  Also, I am only referring to birth fathers who did not commit a crime that resulted in pregnancy.  

I feel like more birth fathers are stepping up. In general, men are now taking a more active role in parenting. Sure there are some birth fathers that couldn't give a rats ass, but I bet I could find plenty that do. Our agency says birth fathers wanting to parent are rare, but we have had it happen TWICE. It seems to me that in the past the birth mothers pretty much held all the cards and the birth fathers were either left in the dark or steamrolled into signing surrender papers. That doesn't work anymore. Birth fathers know their rights and don't necessarily want to be forced into placing their child for adoption because that's what the birth mother wants.

Birth fathers experience loss too, but I don't think it is recognized in the same way. If the adoption agency offers counseling, are the fathers given the same attention as the mothers? In my opinion, the answer is no. I know some guys are probably not as eager or receptive to the counseling offered, perhaps it's time for an update to adoption procedures. Where are the male social workers? Maybe another man might be able to relate to what the birth father is going through and the birth father might feel more comfortable talking to a guy. The face of adoption is changing rapidly and maybe the old way of doing things don't quite work anymore. The approach needs to balanced and both birth parents should feel it is an equal decision. OK, I am stepping down from the pulpit.

Lessons that I learned are: if the birth father isn't on board, then we are not on board. If he doesn't sign a surrender, tread cautiously. If the birth father has an attorney, walk away. It's hard to separate your emotional connection to the child from what realistically is going to happen. We weren't able to do it but in the long run it's going to hurt either way. You should know what your state laws are for birth fathers, but that doesn't necessarily mean a judge is going to follow those laws. If the birth father is interested in parenting, there is a good chance he will be allowed to do so. It's important that time is spent in the beginning with the birth father to really gauge how he is feeling instead of trying to just get him to sign. No more at risk placements for us. If you are the expectant father, we want to talk to you, get to know you, find out what you want. Our relationship should be the same as the birth (expectant) mother.

It has never been our intention to take someone's child, no adoptive parent wants that. We want to have a family and we want both birth parents to be secure in their decision to place a child with us for adoption. All that matters is what is best for the child. I think that is pretty straight forward.