I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because I don't want to share when I feel down about our adoption journey and a little because my character and ethics were questioned from previous posts. Thank you to those that quickly rose to my defense. Private adoption is very different to navigate versus one with an agency. I am doing my best to share our personal experience and learning along the way.
It's a hard time of year for those longing for a child. Mother's Day and Father's Day are especially hard to lump. Marlon was a dad last year and now he's not. It's been a year since we first thought we were going to be parents. I keep comparing last summer to this summer. We would be celebrating Ian and Ada's first birthday. I try to push those thoughts down, but it's hard to do. We bonded with them. They'll never remember us, but we'll never forget them.
I keep telling myself that we were there when they needed us and to move forward. We have, but I still think about them and what happened. What have I learned from going through this loss? Sometimes I feel embarrassed for being so naive, for wanting something so badly that I didn't question why it wasn't right from the beginning. I relied on what we were told versus finding out for myself. I didn't know and now I do. I get down in the dumps because it's been three years of waiting and we still don't have a child. I think, what's wrong with us? Last year we weren't really waiting, we were matched twice and then we had to take some time off. My logical self understands this, but emotional self is weary. It's like holding your breath for years. Waiting for something to happen. The few times we've talked to expectant mothers recently, it hasn't resulted in anything. We've heard of situations, but it's out of our budget and we can't be considered. We're still paying off the disruption. I am trying to find a balance between hope and disappointment.
In meantime, we fill our time with keeping busy visiting family, camping and summer activities. If you are busy, your mind doesn't have a chance to drift to that negative space. My normal optimistic self pushes hard to overcome the adoption blues. Each day we put ourselves out there, letting anyone who will listen that we are hoping to adopt. Every adoption story is different. Ours has had a few more twists and turns. I keep reminding myself that the last experience won't be the next experience and not to compare. We're still hanging in there waiting for our kid.
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