Bumps in the Road

I was planning to write about how Marlon and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary this past weekend with a romantic getaway to the Berkshires. I was going to tell you all about how this is our last anniversary as a couple and next year we will celebrate our 20th anniversary with our daughter. But that doesn't look like it will be the case.

This adoption is unraveling faster than my cats can unwind a ball of string.  I really thought it was meant to be.  The girl was from our hometown, it was like she found us. This baby found us.  Our social worker assured us there were no red flags when I called to spaz out a couple of weeks ago. I am usually not a spaz, I should have trusted my gut.  The huge red flag now is that the biological father was contacted by our agency to terminate his rights.  Now all of sudden, he doesn't want to do that.  His family doesn't want the baby to be adopted.  They want to raise this baby.  Which is his right, but where the hell has he been for the last 7 months?  I feel like this isn't going to work out for us. I feel like I can't compete with the promises they are making.

Maybe that is the way it is meant to be, maybe this is what's best, but I am absolutely crushed and devastated.  I didn't protect my heart. I fell in love.  I am angry at myself for being so naive. I was warned not to announce it, but she told me to tell people.  She said to us, "I pick you." I wanted to act like an expecting mom.  I feel stupid for not pressing more about the father.  I didn't want to upset anyone and trusted it would all work out.

This past week, Marlon let me cry myself to sleep while laying on his shoulder. He's giving me pep talks, telling me how strong I am and for me to have hope. I am thinking maybe just us is good.  Honey bunny, thanks for holding me up when I can't stand. I love you.  That, my friends, is why we've been married for 19 years.

I guess there is a little hope that the father and his family will change their mind.  Our expectant mom's mom texted me on Friday to say that she would be going with her to meet the father and his parents.  That she is praying that it will work out and for us not to give up hope.  It's not the same now, my guard is now firmly up.  I am building a wall around my heart.

I tried to stay in the moment during our anniversary weekend.  We went to the Berkshires and I pushed all of this to the back of my mind. We focused on what is good.  19 years is good. Marlon and I love each other and we'll get through this. For better or for worse.

Photobooth at Baldwin & Sons ~ March 16, 2013