Monday, October 1, 2012

Patience is a Virtue

The uncertainty of waiting to adopt is what gets to me.  I am a planner at heart and the not knowing when something is going to happen is frustrating.  I know we all get surprised by life, but usually someone expecting has nine months to prepare.

We got a call from our social worker about two weeks ago asking if they could show our profile to an expectant mother.  We have asked our social worker not to tell us when our profile is shown, it is too nerve wracking for us, but this expectant mother's situation didn't exactly match our profile, so she wanted to check with us first.  Marlon and I quickly decided yes, we wanted our profile shown.

As you know, we've been working on a new adoption book and it's almost finished.  We printed the pages of the new book and sent them to the social worker so they could show the new version to the expectant mother.  And then we waited.  It is kind of like holding your breath.  Will they pick us?  Oh my gosh! We could have a baby soon.  Should plan to do this, what if we did that?  It's enough to make anyone crazy.  This is why we don't want to know when our profile is shown.

We told our parents and siblings and a couple of close friends that our profile was being shown.  It's hard to keep it to yourself.  We decided maybe we should get serious about doing a registry and pick out some necessities in case we needed to go and buy something quick.  We spent an afternoon in Babies 'R Us.  The whole picking out baby stuff made me feel a little lightheaded.  You've wanted something for so long and now it might come true. It's very overwhelming.

I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. They are showing five couples to this expectant mother.  There is only a 1 in 5 chance we'll get picked. When it's meant to be, it will happen for us.  I had my juju read at Renaissance Faire, all signed pointed to a baby within the next six months which puzzled the fortune teller.  She kept saying it will happen fast.  I then told her we were adopting.  She said, OH! that explains everything.  Really though, I only had my juju read for entertainment purposes.  I don't plan my life around a fortune teller.  It was a encouraging reading though.

When we didn't hear back right away, we knew we didn't get picked.  Someone did though and I am so happy for them.  If anything, this has given us the push to get ready.  We need to think about taking off of work, child care and things we'll need. I found this article, Planning for the Call, on the Adoptive Families website incredibly helpful.  It's time to nest!

photo credit: S. Trykowski
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  1. Oh man, this is almost exactly what happened to us before Kate. :) We got an email on a Friday about a baby that had already been born. The birth mom was going to choose that weekend, and then the couple that she chose would be contacted on Monday and would be able to take the baby home from the hospital. We were so anxious that weekend! We painted the room, just in case, and got a few more things ready. Obviously we didn't get picked, but it was definitely the push we needed. When we were contacted about Kate, we were definitely a lot more prepared. Still praying HARD for y'all. :)

  2. I'm so sorry you guys didn't get picked. I know the stress of what you're going through. Just knowing a birth mother is looking at your little is so stressful! It does happen and it will happen for you. Just yesterday my husband and I got matched. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope your book is shown again soon.

  3. Thanks to both of you for your encouraging words and prayers. It means a lot to us.

  4. I am also a planner and had a terrible time with the idea that our baby could come at any time!! Our birth mom made an adoption plan at the hospital right after giving birth to Charlie, and he stayed in our agency's foster care program for a week before we knew he existed, and for another seven days after we received "the call" from our social worker. Essentially, we had a week's notice that he was coming!
    We had already registered at Babies R Us, and had even bought some of the big stuff (crib, changing table, stroller, carseat, etc.). I had enough faith that we would get a baby someday, somehow, and wanted to be semi-prepared.

    All that said, I really wanted to comment on your idea that you have a one-in-five chance of getting the baby, since five couples are being considered. I know this sounds crazy, and it's not mathematically correct, but to me, all the couples either have a 100% chance of getting the baby, or a 0% chance. Every couple is not equal, because every birth mom, and the qualities she is looking for, are different. I suspect the birth mom will quickly realize exactly which couple she wants to choose, so each couple won't have a 20% chance. The chosen couple will have a 100% chance, and everyone else will have a 0% chance. She will love the couple she loves, and exclude the rest. I really hope y'all will be the couple she loves!

    My husband and I reasoned ourselves through our wait, knowing that we wanted a birth mom who wanted us 100%, and felt we were a 100% fit for her...and with God's grace, he worked through our birthmom so that we were a 100% fit for her, and she and Charlie were a 100% fit for us. There was just no considering anyone else, for her or for us...which made everything seem very miraculous, and not mathematical at all. :)

    1. Thank you for the encouraging words. I agree with you completely about waiting for a 100% fit. I really don't feel upset about not being chosen this time. I truly believe when it is meant to be, it will be.

      I am not sure that I agree that a couple has a 100% chance or a 0% chance when your profile is shown. I am sure there have been cases that an EM would want to meet with more than one couple and then decide. But prior to our profile being shown, I felt like we had a chance just like every other couple did. I wasn't really trying to be mathematically correct, I was trying to express the feelings that I was having at the time.


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