The Adoption Blues

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because I don't want to share when I feel down about our adoption journey and a little because my character and ethics were questioned from previous posts. Thank you to those that quickly rose to my defense. Private adoption is very different to navigate versus one with an agency. I am doing my best to share our personal experience and learning along the way.

It's a hard time of year for those longing for a child. Mother's Day and Father's Day are especially hard to lump. Marlon was a dad last year and now he's not. It's been a year since we first thought we were going to be parents. I keep comparing last summer to this summer. We would be celebrating Ian and Ada's first birthday. I try to push those thoughts down, but it's hard to do. We bonded with them. They'll never remember us, but we'll never forget them.

I keep telling myself that we were there when they needed us and to move forward. We have, but I still think about them and what happened.  What have I learned from going through this loss? Sometimes I feel embarrassed for being so naive, for wanting something so badly that I didn't question why it wasn't right from the beginning. I relied on what we were told versus finding out for myself.  I didn't know and now I do. I get down in the dumps because it's been three years of waiting and we still don't have a child. I think, what's wrong with us? Last year we weren't really waiting, we were matched twice and then we had to take some time off.  My logical self understands this, but emotional self is weary. It's like holding your breath for years. Waiting for something to happen. The few times we've talked to expectant mothers recently, it hasn't resulted in anything. We've heard of situations, but it's out of our budget and we can't be considered. We're still paying off the disruption. I am trying to find a balance between hope and disappointment.

In meantime, we fill our time with keeping busy visiting family, camping and summer activities. If you are busy, your mind doesn't have a chance to drift to that negative space. My normal optimistic self pushes hard to overcome the adoption blues. Each day we put ourselves out there, letting anyone who will listen that we are hoping to adopt. Every adoption story is different.  Ours has had a few more twists and turns. I keep reminding myself that the last experience won't be the next experience and not to compare. We're still hanging in there waiting for our kid.

Comments or Questions? Email me - twocatsandacradle@gmail.com

If you or someone that you know is thinking about making an adoption plan. Please feel free to contact us or share our story. Thank you.

Iggy and Sid

For my birthday (in February), my boss gave me this really cool AquaFarm. How did she know I had been thinking about getting a fish?  Anyway, we had a busy few months, but I kept telling Marlon we needed to go and get our fish.

Well, we finally did it! We now have a male halfmoon betta named Iggy and a zebra snail named Sid. They are so happy in their AquaFarm tank! Edie and Twiggy are fascinated and jealous at the same time of the fish and snail. Every time we go to feed Iggy, Edie and Twiggy have to be right there twitching their tails. I feel bad, so I give them a treat after I finish feeding the fish. Like those girls don't get plenty of love.

Iggy the Male Halfmoon Betta

Can you find Sid the Snail?

Now, do I change the blog name to Two Cats, a Fish, a Snail and a Cradle????

Twiggy is curious.

Edie just wants to be in the picture.

Haters Gonna Hate

We've had an amazing outpouring of love and support since we started this adoption journey (again). Putting yourself out there can be challenging and humbling. With an agency, they are doing a lot of the behind the scenes work for you and they are in contact with organizations that work with expectant parents thinking about adoption. When you pursue private adoption, you're trying to connect with someone yourself. Which in turn, puts you in contact with those that are anti-adoption or have strong opinions about what you are doing. I am not even going to mention scammers at this point because we haven't encountered that yet. We were warned by adoption professionals that these people will seek you out. Even though we received more well wishes than I can count, those handful of hateful messages really hurt.

The Internet allows people to make comments to anyone without any repercussion. I can see why cyber-bullying is out of control. It removes the filter of social etiquette and allows people to say things that they would never say face-to-face. Cowards can leave ugly comments from the safety of their locked down accounts. You can't respond or even see what this person looks like. In about a week, we received comments like 'disrespectful', 'disgusting', 'whores', that we want to 'buy' a baby, that we are trying to 'steal' someone's baby, we can't afford to give a baby a good life since we have fundraising on our site and on and on. After the first couple of days, I broke down and cried. It's not in my character to want to publicly shame and defame anyone. Who are these hateful people? Their comments rattle me. I am not sure if their point is to convince us not to adopt or if they just enjoy making us feel bad. I think if they wanted to make a difference, they could channel that energy by doing something more productive.

My first instinct is to defend myself. To say in no way shape or form, do we want to buy or steal anyone's baby. In fact, I am in total agreement that adoption procedures need a major overhaul. There are some dishonest tactics being used and money is being made off of people's desperate desire to have a family. There are good eggs out there as well and we try to align ourselves with those professionals.  Yes, we have placed ads and set-up social media accounts. If we aren't with an agency, you have to put yourself out there. If you don't, there are hundreds of other families out there that will. If we meet someone that is thinking about adoption, I want to get to know them. I want them to get to know us. I want them to feel confident placing their child with us. We need to be a good fit with each other because we will share a bond and a relationship for the rest of our lives.  It's about making a connection. I can't really respond to these unkind comments though. Either these people have their accounts locked down or I'll expend a lot of negative energy having a Twitter war with a faceless stranger. So, I just absorb the negativity,  delete the comment, and block the person.

I reached out to my adoption support community for help on how to deal with this. They had some good advice and I felt better. There are so many raw emotions associated with adoption, you could easily unintentionally offend someone by simply not knowing. They reassured me that what we are doing isn't wrong. They helped me look at this with compassion. Maybe these people were hurt by adoption, had a bad experience or have some unresolved feelings. This is the only way they can express those feelings. I am sending out a big hug to those that are hurting. My perspective on adoption has evolved since we began this journey. I am still learning everyday. One thing that hasn't changed is that we are a nice couple who want to have a child to love.

If you or someone that you know is thinking about making an adoption plan. Please feel free to contact us or share our story. Thank you.