Birth Fathers

So, we've had one failed match and one failed adoption, both because of the birth fathers. Hmmm, I am sensing a trend. Maybe the same care and concern shown to birth mothers hasn't really been applied to birth fathers, but I am thinking maybe adoption professionals should start considering both birth parents equally from the start. Don't get me started talking about the Baby Veronica case.  I feel for both sides, but most of all I feel for little Veronica. We never met Ian and Ada's father until after they were born. We only had the information given to us about him to go on when deciding if this was a good match for us. In the beginning, we did not believe this adoption was what they call an "at risk" placement. I have played what went wrong in my mind a million times. Why were we so naive? The bottom line is that their father did not want his children placed for adoption and he stopped it. Everything else is irrelevant.

This post is all my opinion and I am sure you'll correct me if you feel I am wrong.  Also, I am only referring to birth fathers who did not commit a crime that resulted in pregnancy.  

I feel like more birth fathers are stepping up. In general, men are now taking a more active role in parenting. Sure there are some birth fathers that couldn't give a rats ass, but I bet I could find plenty that do. Our agency says birth fathers wanting to parent are rare, but we have had it happen TWICE. It seems to me that in the past the birth mothers pretty much held all the cards and the birth fathers were either left in the dark or steamrolled into signing surrender papers. That doesn't work anymore. Birth fathers know their rights and don't necessarily want to be forced into placing their child for adoption because that's what the birth mother wants.

Birth fathers experience loss too, but I don't think it is recognized in the same way. If the adoption agency offers counseling, are the fathers given the same attention as the mothers? In my opinion, the answer is no. I know some guys are probably not as eager or receptive to the counseling offered, perhaps it's time for an update to adoption procedures. Where are the male social workers? Maybe another man might be able to relate to what the birth father is going through and the birth father might feel more comfortable talking to a guy. The face of adoption is changing rapidly and maybe the old way of doing things don't quite work anymore. The approach needs to balanced and both birth parents should feel it is an equal decision. OK, I am stepping down from the pulpit.

Lessons that I learned are: if the birth father isn't on board, then we are not on board. If he doesn't sign a surrender, tread cautiously. If the birth father has an attorney, walk away. It's hard to separate your emotional connection to the child from what realistically is going to happen. We weren't able to do it but in the long run it's going to hurt either way. You should know what your state laws are for birth fathers, but that doesn't necessarily mean a judge is going to follow those laws. If the birth father is interested in parenting, there is a good chance he will be allowed to do so. It's important that time is spent in the beginning with the birth father to really gauge how he is feeling instead of trying to just get him to sign. No more at risk placements for us. If you are the expectant father, we want to talk to you, get to know you, find out what you want. Our relationship should be the same as the birth (expectant) mother.

It has never been our intention to take someone's child, no adoptive parent wants that. We want to have a family and we want both birth parents to be secure in their decision to place a child with us for adoption. All that matters is what is best for the child. I think that is pretty straight forward.

Distractions

We have been busying ourselves with distractions as we try to move forward and pick up the pieces of this failed adoption. Sometimes putting on a happy face and trying is better than laying on the couch with a tub of ice cream. I have done both in the past couple of weeks.

After our spectacular adoption fail, we headed to the Poconos for a little R&R. The Inn at Pocono Manor was like the set of Dirty Dancing. It is an old hotel with lots of charm and resort-like activities. It was supposed to be haunted, but we didn't encounter any ghosts. I loved it. We had breakfast at this "breakfast in a skillet" place that we ate at 10 years before when we came to the Poconos on a ski trip. It was exactly the same. We swam in the pool, went on a hike, listened to music and hit the casino. We won enough money to buy two Bloody Mary cocktails. I was perfectly happy about that. We needed some space from what happened. We were raw, but made the best of the trip.

Marlon took me to see Kick-Ass 2. I couldn't remember the last time we went to the movies. We had passes, so we actually splurged on the snacks from the concession instead of bringing in snacks. Come on, you know you have all brought in your own snacks. The movie was entertaining and served its purpose -- a distraction.

I gave myself a mini make-over. If you look good, you feel good, right? It's a theory... Anyway, I got my hair cut and went to Sephora and did my make-up with their samples. We owe 15k in legal fees from this adoption fail, so I wasn't actually going to buy new make-up. The samples did the trick. I did invest in some wrinkle cream hoping it would erase the bags under my eyes from crying. The wrinkle cream and concealer combo seem to be helping. I do feel better.

My hubby asked me on a date and the place was a surprise. The only clues were that it was on a Saturday and we would drive. (We have a car now, one of the things that has stayed put after the fail. We needed the car to go back and forth (120 miles RT) to the hospital everyday. We aren't quite ready to part with our trusty '94 Volvo wagon.)

I kind of had an inkling of where we were going, but I didn't snoop or investigate online. I wanted to be surprised. We went to the Scottish Highland Games in Old Westbury! Oh how does my honey know me. Scots in kilts cheered me right up! We went down a slide in a burlap sack, watched the caber toss and the hay toss, ate fish and chips, walked the grounds of Old Westbury Gardens and voted in the antique car show. I got a new plaid winter hat as a souvenir. We had fun, but I know we were both watching all the families there having a good time. It's hard, sometimes it just hits us. We took a little break and put down our (plaid) blanket under a tree away from the festivities and laid there. It was like everything around us disappeared.  I think we both needed a moment. I really enjoyed the day; I do love the Highland games and all things Scottish, except haggis.

We are trying and that's all we can do right now to get through each day. The truth is that our hearts are hurting. We are putting the adoption thing on hold until at least the new year. If something should fall into our laps, we are definitely open to considering it, but we aren't actively pursuing adoption. Right now, we are practicing our happy faces, keeping busy and hoping that one day a true happy face will reappear.

The Eye of Adoption Book Giveaway

Jody Dyer contacted me just as we were matched this last time and offered to send me a copy of her book, The Eye of Adoption. I am always looking for something new to read and happily accepted. I immediately loaded the book onto my iPad

The babies were born premature and we were on an adoption roller coaster. I didn't have a minute to read the book or think straight until I found myself at the DMV the day after Independence Day (with everyone else in Long Island) with unexpected hours to read. Having this book was a godsend because I almost had a nervous breakdown right there at the DMV, crying intermittently and may have used a few colorful words to the clerk after waiting for four hours just to get a lost license plate replaced. Not my finest moment, but I was under a lot of stress.  Anyhoo, I opened the iPad and started reading.

Immediately, I felt comforted by Jody's southern charm. I may be a "New Yawker" now, but I will always be a southern girl at heart. It felt like she was an old friend telling me her story. I could relate. Her longing for a child, the waiting, the uncertainty were all feelings I have had and was having. "Do not underestimate the depths of suffering and lengths of endurance required of adoptive parents. Do not underestimate the difficult choice to find a child through adoption. No one "just adopts"." Amen, Jody. 

No two adoptions are the same, but the same emotions and sentiments are there. Her book reassured me that  my internal dialogue about trying to have a family were actually sane. Her book is honest, warm and funny. I loved the quotes at the beginning of each chapter that set the tone and how she wrote sweet letters to her baby to be throughout her adoption journey. They never gave up hope. At the end of the book there is a great Q&A with the birth mother of her son. It's a perspective we often do not get.

In the last couple of months, Jody has been there for me. She has sent me pep talk emails and let me vent. When our match failed, she encouraged me to keep hope that one day we would have our family too. I have never met her in person, but I am honored to call her a friend.

Jody has graciously given me a paperback copy of The Eye of Adoption to give away! She's awesome, right? To enter, click "Enter Here" below to fill out an entry form. For an extra chance to win, like my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter or Pinterest or subscribe to Two Cats and a Cradle by email. Just click one of the links on the left. A winner will be selected randomly on September 9, 2013.

The giveaway has ended.

Thank you to everyone that entered.

The winner is ...

Anna!

Congratulations!

For more information about Jody Dyer, check out her website: http://www.jodydyer.com/ or her blog, Theories: Size 12, Musings from a Mountain Mama.

If you can't wait and want to read the book right now, you can purchase a paperback or Kindle version of The Eye of Adoption on Amazon with the link below. It really is a must-read for anyone that is considering adoption, waiting to adopt or loves someone going through the adoption process.