A Bit of Kismet

My next guest blogger is Stephanie, who is mom to handsome Grey and adorable Ally.  Stephanie and I went to high school together and then went our separate ways after we graduated.  We reconnected through Facebook a few years ago and she was one of the first people that I reached out to when we started thinking about adoption. I hadn't really talked to her in years and she was so open and happy to share her adoption experience with me.  She has guided me along the way, given me support and we've built a new friendship after all these years. Life is always full of surprises.  Here's Stephanie's story...

When I was in my mid-twenties, I had a liver and kidney transplant. When I found out how sick I was and that I would need these transplants, my first and topmost concern was whether or not I would ever be a mother.  Fast forward six years later, and I was holding our sweet baby boy in my arms after an amazingly easy (i.e. no morning sickness, great energy….) high risk pregnancy. About ten months later as I emerged from the sleep deprived newborn state, I started thinking how nice it would be for Grey to have a brother or sister. Brad and I talked about another pregnancy, and neither of us was completely enthralled with the idea. There just seemed too much at stake this time with the pregnancy. Before it was just Brad to worry about if something happened, but now we had this sweet little boy to think about and the risk just seemed too high if something were to happen. We had discussed adoption on and off since we were married but never very seriously.

Then came a serendipitous visit to Chick-fil-A. Grey and I were enjoying a lunch when Grey noticed a cute little guy at the next table. As they babbled back and forth, his mom and I struck up a conversation. He had just come home from Guatemala. She told me his story and the story of how they became a family. It was like a lightning bolt had struck. I really believe it was a bit of Chick-fil-A kismet.  I called Brad immediately and told him we should try to adopt from Guatemala. Being the easing going guy Brad is (the yin to my yang), and I am simplifying a bit, but in effect he said, “Let’s do it.” I went straight home and found an adoption seminar on Guatemala offered by a local agency that same week. And we were off. A year and a half later, and we were in Guatemala holding our sweet baby girl in our arms. Okay, so that makes the process sound really smooth and simple. In reality, the pregnancy and pitocin-induced with no pain meds labor and delivery with Greyson was a walk in the park in comparison.  In retrospect, the process from start to finish was not long relatively speaking, but it was the longest year and a half of our lives but oh so worth it.

Now, since I have an audience, let me step onto my soapbox for a moment. Please, please, I beg you to refrain from telling me how lucky Ally is to have been adopted into the United States. Ally being in the United States does not bring a guarantee of happiness. Saying so denigrates her birth country. I have personally witnessed an abundance of happiness and joy in developing countries, including Guatemala. It is a true joy that comes straight from the heart and not from their circumstances. It is not tied to material acquisitions and possessions. I would hope, and I think that such statements do not come from a bad place in someone’s heart, but it is very paternalistic and condescending to her and to Guatemala. If anything, the happiness I have seen in Guatemala and other developing countries is more widespread and authentic than happiness here in the United States. I would be lying if I did not say that there are times when I wonder if we have done right by her, if international adoption is the right thing. There are many, including organizations such as UNICEF, who oppose international adoption and taking children away from their birth country. All I know for certain is that when I look at Ally, especially at night when I am tucking her in, I feel overwhelmed with love and in awe that she is my daughter and how lucky I am. I promise to do my best by her including never forgetting Guatemala and trying to instill a strong connection to Guatemala in our family. 

Being a parent, whether by biology or adoption, is both worry-filled and wonder-full.  Jenn, thanks for letting me share.

Beth's Story

For adoption awareness month, I asked two of my friends to be guest bloggers and share their adoption story. Up first is Beth, who was adopted as an infant.  Beth has been a mentor to Marlon and I from the beginning.  Over cocktails a long time ago, she said "have you considered adoption, because I was adopted."  She has answered countless questions for us.  I know not every adoption story is the same, but talking to Beth really changed things for me. Thank you, Beth.  Here's her story...

I have always known that I was adopted.  It was important to my parents that they be honest with us from a young age, so we would know our history.  My brother is 3 years older than me and does not have the same birth parents, although that distinction never enters my mind until people find out that we are adopted and usually ask if we are blood siblings.  I never mind answering questions about being adopted because it is a part of who I am and I view myself as very fortunate, so I am happy to share my story with others.

Sadly, my mother miscarried at nine months with twins, which resulted in her being unable to conceive again.  Both she and my father have told me that they had lengthy discussions about what to do after this tragedy.  They wondered if it was a sign from God that they should live a life without children.  That wasn’t what they truly desired in their hearts, so they contacted Catholic Social Services to inquire about adoption.  They adopted my brother in 1972 and I followed in 1975.  They have always said it was the best decision they have ever made.

I don’t know a lot about my birth parents.  Adoptions were closed in the year I was born, so it would take a court order and/or a private detective to obtain any significant information.  This is one thing that has bothered me about my adoption process.  For example, if you know there is a history of breast cancer in your family, it will assist you in making certain heath decisions.  I did explore this to a certain extent when I was having some health issues my freshman year of college.  After making a request to the State of Michigan, I did receive some very general information about my birth family, but not very much.  I should note that my parents were 100% supportive during this process and they had always told me they would help me explore anything about my birth parents if I so desired.  Naturally, I was concerned about their feelings if I took them up on this offer, as I didn’t want to hurt them in any way.  That very offer and the complete support I received when I decided to delve into my background exemplifies the compassionate character of my parents. 

From the paperwork I received, I know that my birth mother was 16 years old when she had me and it didn’t sound as if she and my birth father were seriously dating, although he was notified of the birth.  The biggest question that I am asked by people is whether or not I have any interest in finding my birth parents.  I have gone through phases in my life where I have contemplated this and must admit that I have a stronger interest in my birth mother than my birth father, mainly because she carried me, delivered me, and then had to give me away.  It must have been an incredibly difficult decision for her.  In addition to inquiring about my health history, the main reason I would want to meet her is simply to thank her and tell her that I believe she made the right decision.  There is something to be said about the nature versus nurture theory.  There are definitely traits that I believe I was born with and those that came with my family upbringing and the values that I was taught.  I have to imagine my birth mother is an emotional person like me and that she often wonders if I ended up in the right family.  I am sure she would be grateful to know that she fulfilled the hearts and dreams of my parents and blessed my life by placing me with my family. 

I have also heard some people that are contemplating adoption express their fear in whether their adopted children will love them in the same way a child loves their biological parents and vice-versa.  I truly don’t believe there is any difference.  For me, my parents are those people that gave me nourishment as an infant, wiped my tomboy scraped knees when I was constantly falling as I tried to keep up with my brother, taking me on memorable vacations to Cedar Point, Canada and Mackinaw Island, counseling me at all hours of the night when I would call crying because I had my heart broken by a boy, and more instances that I can even begin to list in this blog.  They are the ones who have always provided me with unconditional love…even when I know I severely tested their patienceJ  They gave me financial and emotional support to pursue all of my dreams and shaped me into the person that I am today.  I was brought up in a loving home where there were constant hugs, laughs, endless support and the words “I love you” were frequently spoken.  My birth parents gave me life, but my Mom and Dad are my parents.

Personally, I have never had challenges as an adopted child in terms of feeling abandoned or unwanted.  I believe that my birth mother couldn’t handle being a mother at such a young age and she gave me up praying that my family would love and nurture me into healthy and happy person.  Her prayers were answered.  My advice for parents of adopted children is to be honest with them.  There is absolutely no shame in being adopted.  When parents hide it from kids and they find out about it later on in life, they are led to feel that there must be some type of shame, otherwise it wouldn’t have been kept as a secret.  Kids should know where they come from and how adopted parents endure months and sometimes years of waiting for their child/children, while never giving up hope that their family will come to them when the time was right.  If your child is curious and wants to know more, support them with that effort.  I promise it is not a negative reflection upon you as parents. 

Apparently, I was often eager to point to my Mom and tell people, “I didn’t come from my Mommy’s belly.”  As a child, I loved attention and telling people this fact was just another way for me to get it.  My brother, on the other hand was shy and my Mom said he hated it when I would randomly make these announcements.  On the topic of a mommy’s belly, I want to share a quote about adoption that exemplifies what my Mom experienced and Jenn is surely feeling as she waits for her little one.

“Adoption is when a child grew in its Mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.” 

When I met Jenn and Marlon many years ago and we began talking about adoption, I was happy to give them my perspective and offer my support.  I also knew they would be wonderful parents.  They have been a solid couple from the moment they met at a young age and have a very strong and happy marriage.  I have no doubt that they will be incredibly responsible, loving, and fun parents.  This child will certainly be lucky in the same way I have been blessed. 

Best wishes to Jenn and Marlon!  I can’t wait to meet your little baby once he/she finally enters this world and makes his/her way to your arms and hearts J  Lots of Love, Beth

Drum Roll, Please! Unveiling our NEW Profile Book

The new profile book is done! The book is D-O-N-E!  We are so excited to share with you our new profile book. Click here to take a look!

Way back in June, we decided that we wanted to re-do our profile book. Ya know, freshen it up a bit.  Copies of this book is sent to all of our area adoption agency offices. This is what they show expectant mothers considering adoption.  We sat in the park on the 4th of July brainstorming on the book. We actually ran into one of my co-workers and his wife, who looked curiously at us as we sat on a park bench with our notebooks with lists and diagrams, deep in thought.

We wrote and wrote for over a month; we searched for the best new pictures of us.  We had a few disagreements and extra hugs. The best two editors in NYC reviewed our work. We submitted the book to our adoption agency for approval.  We just knew they were going to come back and say, "WOW, this is the best book we have ever seen."  Two weeks later, we got the book back completely marked up with marker.  Our hearts sank.  The note on the back said, we were "too verbose." WTH?  Us, too wordy?  Our concept for the new book was to tell stories about our lives together instead of just a boring generic rundown.  But they know best, right?  Most of the stories - marked out. The personal anecdotes - marked out. Honestly, I had to put the project aside for a few weeks and lick my wounds.

Finally, we got back to work. Two months after missing my self-inflicted deadline, we are printing this sucker with Mixbook.com.  We really think the book turned out great. It represents who we are as a couple and who we want to be as a family.  We hope someone falls in love with us soon.

So without further ado, please click here to look at our new book!



Marlon and Jennifer's profile book



Special thanks to Molly and Maria for their expert editing, to Alex, Diane and Rochelle for their eagle eye proofing and to Stephanie for taking about 50% of the photos in our book.  You guys rock!  Along with our gratitude, you are all getting a well-deserved puzzle piece with your name on it.  Thank you so much for taking your time to help us.

By the way, all those full-length stories are not going to waste. We will soon unveil the Marlon and Jennifer Adoption website. Stay tuned!